a few of my favourite things.......

You don't have what it takes

Are we looking for love in all the wrong places?

Ive had some really incredible experiences lately! I've learnt so much about the way of the world and myself that I feel rather overwhelmed by it all.
A chance encounter with a sexy stranger is all it took to shake me out of my comfort zone and I entered a world unbeknown to me up till now. One would think that a woman my age would be more experienced in the way of 'love' (or what passes for love nowadays....) Oh I fell hard so hard!
I have to admit that for a while there I bacame rather obsessed and I experienced a range of emotions that were alien to me. I operated on trust and my faith in human nature and I came out relatively unscathed. Yes, I had a great moment and I will never forget it,but I had to learn that people love on different levels, and to assume that others feel the same way is just, well stupid? Love makes fools of all of us indeed, and as my mother is so fond of saying:'There's no fool like an old fool' (Not what I want to hear!!!)

I also realised that I don't have what it takes to play this game and I am so relieved!! It took me a while to click that I am way out of my depth, and then I realised that this depth is not something I need or want to experience at all. (No matter how sexy the person) Ultimately we need to be true to ourselves surely? How else can you be true to anybody? Is the whole world out to get instant gratification? Is everybody lying to get as much as they can? 'out for the gets?'

aah!! so I bravely went on to a dating site, and I have been utterly amazed at the reaction. I'm by no means a young babe and yet in the space of 2 days I received 200 messages ranging from lewd suggestions about my sizeable bust and butt to desperate pleadings for company, someone to talk to, someone to marry (?) or someone to have  live sex with as opposed to webcam fumbling. (I've never skyped, but have received invitations to skype away with strangers.) Interesting........

What I found particularly intriguing is that more than half the request were from people under 30! Why? Do all these men have an older woman fixation or are there ulterior motives? I find it amusing that they feel the need to tell me that age is but a number hmmmmm indeed honey!! And that 'they don't mind that I'm older'- (way older in fact!)  Observe the arrogance in this statement!! Am I honestly dependant on your approval of my age? Did I approach you? Oh there is a huge mental difference here!
Are they all under the illusion that older women are desperate and needy? And what, pray tell, is in it for us, as the 'elder?' Do we need to be validated by your fickle approval??.


 I can't help but notice the poses in the pics- pensively staring into the distance or showing off muscles- or even one Luthario in his bath! Straddling the bike is a favourite, yet one can't help feeling anxious about the helmet covering the face hmmmm Am I becoming voyouristic? So I've had heaps of attention from all sorts of people, and some quite hot, I might add, soo..... whats the catch? The catch is to know who is genuine and who isn't - but how????

I've subsequently learnt that the hot ones more than likely don't use their own pictures! Did everyone know this except me? Yes, I am much to trusting and not at all knowledgeable in the the ways of the cyber world. I am after all from an era where a person's word was enough. Not any more it seems, words are cheap and people are expendable.
After a rather shocking expose on a investigative programme on TV, where women were being scammed out of money and self-respect, my sista and I were rather spooked by it all. She just had a similar experience with a person who clearly sent a ramdom pic to a dating site complete with his fake alias. She was on to him very quickly, clearly she is more astute than I am, and she called his bluff eventually, when the inevitable requests for money started pouring in. After all, he did declare his undying love for her, which of course should prompt her to start rewarding him with money, as she is so grateful for his attention, NOT!!
Interesting how abusive the honey-tongued stranger became when his requests were denied..

I was told by one guy that my eyes were driving him insane (nice one!!) As I related this to friend, she immediately reacted in fear and horror, and muttered about serial killers and predators collecting the eyes of unsespecting love-lorn women. We did after all, follow the trial of the couple that boiled the head of a trusting stranger. The poor man fell in love with his chat buddy on a social network site and went to meet her for a date....... He didn't know that the couple from hell were waiting for him......

I have now received 300 requests from all sorts of men and a couple of women, I have been winked at, I've had various cyber gifts sent to me ,Ive been begged to skype with people, but my resolve is firm and I am honing my bullshit detectors daily....

I will now delete my profile on this dating site, and I think I've made one potentially good friend.

No, I don't have what it takes to play this game, as I don't ever want to think of relationships as a game to be played for whatever payback you expect.

'Oh the games people play now, every night and every day now, never meaning what they say now, never saying what they mean.... '( Remember this old song?)












  

what a wonderful world - Louis Armstrong

As I was driving around our little town yesterday, I was visually assaulted, yet again, by the screaming headlines of newspapers.

MAN STABS NAKED WOMAN

TODDLER BEAT UP - FATHER ARRESTED

AND: A week ago,  the corpse of a naked and bound woman was discovered stuck in a tree- she was also impaled on a branch that stuck through her throat. This woman's corpse was up in this tree for at least two weeks and no-one saw it.

I pondered on all this horror, trying to imagine the events that lead up to the various assaults and murder and I didn't know what to think. I wanted to know how this happened, what was the story?

What happens inside you to be able to resort to this cruelty?

Why in God's name do you have children if you clearly don't like them?

Was the naked woman asleep when she was stabbed?

Who killed the lady in the tree? Why??? How many helped to get her up the tree? Why????????

The thought struck me that the perpetrators of these heinous crimes actually live in the same town as me- have I passed these people in the street? Maybe even spoken to them?

I experienced such feelings of hopelesness and a wave of futility hit me - What is the point??

And this is it- The original meaning of the word 'sin' is to miss the point. It makes sense doesn't it?

Once you understand this concept the rest becomes much easier. We are here only to create love around us, and to infect as many people as we can with this love.
Nothing else makes sense to me, and the more you spread it, the more it grows and  produces such beautiful results.
God's love is everywhere and free to share with all, it heals, it motivates, it gives answers, it empowers you to such an extent that you find the courage to let go of all that is negative and cruel in yourself.
We have no option but to let go of all the baggage and to move forward - bitterness is so unbecoming!!(and so destructive)

I want to live my life to its fullest, and I want to spread as much love as I possibly can to whoever wants to receive it.
A little boy came to me yesterday, as I was stuck in the time-warp of all this horror. He looked up with a big smile and said: "Mam, you haven't hugged me to-day"
If only this child knew how he blessed me, how I needed that hug, how we all need it.

Is that what went wrong in the lives of the tortured people that caused so much pain to others?
Did they have no love at all?  Why not??????

Yara's Blues - Richard Bona

I find myself in a state of suspension - a kind of limbo if you will. Try as I might I can't seem to make sense of most things around me. I have long suspected that most people belong to a club with certain rules that I have not been privvy too. This is becoming apparent to me daily, and yet I don't feel excluded, more relieved that I was not invited, as I simply can't live within the confinements of  subversive behaviour and codes of  (mis)conduct.

The only way I can explain my feelings of displacement is to use the word 'weldschmertz' - a beautiful word in German that describes the grief for the world that grips your heart. I have often experienced it, but this time it doesn't want to leave me at all. Am I obsessed with suffering? I don't know, maybe, but I do know that I am nonplussed at general human behaviour, mine included. Daily one hears, reads, sees the results of people's 'love' for each other. Calling it a 'crime of passion' sounds quite exotic and exiting, it isn't. Its more often than not horrendous, leading to damage and executed with chilling precision. Whether physical or mental cruelty, its all the same to me and I wish only not to be involved with it.

I refuse to live in a state of suspicion and distrust, I have been blessed with really wonderful people in my life, so I don't walk around suspecting all attention as cunningly disguised foul play.

When I was 13 and stuck in a dreadfull hostel - far away from my country and parents, I used to lie on my unsympathetic hostel issue, torture device that was called a bed, my earphones plugged into my illegal radio and listened to music. Between praying to God to release me from this hell and listening to my beloved radio, I managed to survive. God did release me, and music ( and books and words) are still my answer to everything that ails me. I will never forget the hormonal teenage-angst I went through when 'Nazareth' released their gravelly, wailing and pulsing rock song 'Love Hurts' I was delirious with pain and suffering and cried bitterly into my pillow and promised myself that one day a guitar slinging rocker on a huge bike will stop in front of this ghastly place and pull me onto his machine.
Hair streaming in the wind I would hold on tight as we sped away to a crazy soundtrack yeah!! Remember 'Born to be wild'? aah that was me! Of course I would be the drummer, I played drums at school and I still do and I still think I rock!! Yes, it still is stunning to sing in front of the mirror and play air guitar or hit the tables in my artroom to rythms only I can hear....

So, here I am, still going through pain, still crying in the pillow, still blasting the house with music, and all I know is that I will never give up on the basic goodness that I believe is inherent in  people. That once I love you I can't stop and I don't want to. A heart full of pain carries a burden of anger, and I don't want that, - it makes me look older and I run the risk of becoming bitter. I might stop caring then, and that would be the end for me.

In the words of the great godess, Aretha Franklin and the uber-sexy and talented George Benson- I give you the best advice I can (that is, if you needed some!)  LOVE ALL THE HURT AWAY!!!

The same God that released me from that hostel-jail, has given us the Gift of Love - He didn't say how and when it will come, but relish in it I will. (Is it coincidence that I now live in a Hostel? Don't think so!!)

So the heart is gripped and squeezed and the music plays on, and just when you think you can't stand it anymore a stranger comes along, and says Hi there! and there I go, holding on for dear life again.... stand by the paramedics, but ride I will!!

Spread the love*****

I pay respect - Jonothan Butler (Love this man)

Yes, its been a while!!  Holiday is over and work started, hitting the ground running as my friend says. And with that comes the reality of the daily grind we are all subjected to, that is, if you are lucky enough to have a job. I am doubly blessed, as I actually enjoy what I'm doing. No, I don't always enjoy the people I do it with, but I'm sure I'm possibly a major irritant in another person's life at work to- deal!!
 This is the year I will drag myself into this century and overcome my irrational, digital angst. I am proud of this achivement and feel there should be at least a moment of silence, as I am, as we say, really dof when it comes to said digital world.

Suffice to say, I am trying.....

So, I might not be clued up with modern technology, but it doesn't take much savvy to operate face book and whatever social network presents itself. What I do find challenging about facebook, for example, is the subject matter, especially with quite young people, that they discuss and put out there.

I was absolutely horrified to read a status of a young man that I know. This guy spent years in a very expensive, religious private school. He is extremely good-looking, good athlete, and hot yes, BUT dear heaven!!  I reacted to the post by lashing out at him and telling him to go drag his knuckles in a cave somewhere. Might I add that even his peers were shocked and disgusted. So, it wasn't just age pulling rank from my side!
When reading other posts from even younger people, I was vindicated by the anger from  girls towards guys that think that their crude sexual jokes and statements are in any way attractive or amusing. They feel humiliated and disgusted.

And yes, I know that some girls do it as well. And its just not cool at all. It preturbes me greatly that in an age that is supposed to be so sophisticated and technologically advanced, with information freely available on any subject under the sun, we somehow can't manage the basic principles of respect toward each other. It seem that the war of the sexes are raging more intensely than ever. South Africa has horrific rape statistics, and so many people have been victims of horrendous crimes, yet we still fuel the fires of hate and assumptions, and it more than often manifests itself in depraved sexual behaviour and immense cruelty.

On the  other hand, its fascinating to read all the religious and spiritual posts that are written, also by young people. It seems that there is a war raging, with definite sides becoming quite extreme and dedicated to their beliefs or disbeliefs, as the case might be.  Many older people share information on issues and lively debates ensue, sans the inevitable american slang that gets mangled into diatribes that must make Martin Luther King spin in his grave. 

Im not suggesting that we all take up permanent residence in a Bless Me Club, but a sense of time and place and some old-fashioned respect and manners go a looooong way!!! (Whether you are religious or not.)
One might even say that it is the ultimate fore-play. Do you honestly expect to have a loving and sizzling relationship with someone if you are spewing forth filth all day long to your partner and whoever you feel like insulting, just because you can? Its only a matter of time before you start projecting all this vitriol onto the people closest to you. 

RESPECT!!!!

Spread the love***

Crack it wide open- Victor Wooten

Every time I drive around or walk anywhere, I am conscious of the headlines around me and more often than not, its absolute visual pollution. Art reflects life? Yes, so do most of the headlines of newspapers indeed.

Some gruesome examples: "Girl (5) raped"
"5 die as truck crashes into taxi"
"Grandmother raped at graveyard"
"Mother loses kids and husband in horror crash"
and so on and so on.....
Whenever I see this, it affects me deeply and I can't help but ponder on the trauma and the effect these events have on the people involved. Its like reading script directions in a play- "character flies onto stage and lands stage right"( That involves hours of work, designing and making and rehearsing, in one sentence a whole world and people are represented.)

How much  pain and trauma for a child that was raped or mutilated or kidnapped or tortured. What about the parents and families? Nothing happens in isolation, someone suffers, has therapy, lands up in hospital, maybe estranged from loved ones, maybe isolated at school by children that are harsh in their judgement and influenced by the assumptions and prejudices of parents or emotionally stunted adults who rashly spew out their vitriol against the world and anyone who is dares to be different or had the misfortune of having something really horrible happen to them. "Surely something you said or done caused this?" (Some people still view a raped woman as someone "who asked for it")

A grandmother that visited her late husband's grave is deemed "irresponsible" for going to a graveyard. How do her children feel? How does she process it? How is this her fault? And why do we reach these conclusions? Was the driver of the taxi irresponsible? Imagine being in his shoes, having to explain this event to the families involved.
My thoughts to-day centred around the horror crash that killed a mother's children and husband.
I can't begin to imagine what this lady must go through. One sentence and a life is in shreds, having to make arrangements, walking back into an empty house, lying alone in a big bed, having to face the rooms and closets of her loved ones, having to pack it up and move on. How?
Do you move away from everything to start afresh, or do you stay paralysed with grief in a house full of ghosts and memories?. Do you feel guilty about your children? Do you blame God? Do you blame your husband? Yourself?
Do you have to explain this every time you meet people and they ask you about your life?
Do you take sleeping pills and anti-depressants? Will you ever trust enough to love someone again?What about birthdays?

Its heavy, I know, but in a world where we are part of so many statistics, I believe its vital that we remember the people around events. (The police that must handle all of this, the ambulance operators that will be on the scene,....) It takes a village to raise not only the child, but to support and love the ones left behind, broken and traumatised.
In the spirit of Ubuntu: "We are who we are because of other people"

Spread the love****

One heart One love (Bob Marley foreva!!)

4 October 2011  TUESDAY - KOKROBITE ON MY SPOT


I am sitting with my back against the wall- in front of me is the ever Atlantic, boats, rastas, sellers,coconut trees, soft breeze, the big ease....

Splashes of colour and lilting voices- timeless, wondrous, ancient, a deep steady rythm-it slowly churns up memories deeply buried- it shapes it into soft, uncompromising focus-

Gently confronting and slowly circling - it demands to be remembered  and celebrated, deeply grieved-ever living-never dead.

The spirits of those before live in the eyes of the man selling cloth and beads

Rythms in the night rising to a drawn out wail that wraps itself around the heart and gently squeezes and slows down the breathing until it becomes one with all- salt burning away old hurt and mad time.

A moment in time is what you get- will it sustain? Will it give rest and contentment ever?

My soul is aching and strains- it wants to soar without pain.

The throbbing of the heart becomes one and steers in a painful truth-

This is the moment- the only moment

A moment of orange and blue
a moment of burnt, brown sugar
and you

Spread the love-work the moment*****